TO SAY OR NOT TO SAY TO AN ADOPTIVE FAMILIY

This was a very important topic I thought we could cover before we travel. You, our friends and family are our #1 supporters and we thank you for your constant love, support, and enthusiasm you have given us throughout this process. Since people know someone very close to you is adopting you may also hear many of these comments I am about to discuss. This will help you know how to handle them and how to help these individuals gain a better understanding of what would be offensive or hurtful to say to an adoptive family, especially when little ears get old enough to understand the comments. Plus, there's several important terms, so its useful to start getting the vocabulary down now.

If you are interested in reading more about this, "When Friends Ask About Adoption” is a great source. It is a “question and answer guide for non-adoptive parents and other caring adults” written by Linda Bothun. I've included a couple of her exerts from her book along with some of my own thoughts.

1. "Never say, "Now that you're adopting you will get pregnant and have one of your own." First of all, only 5% of couples who stop infertility treatments get pregnant after they adopt. So although many stories abound of people who got pregnant after adoption, this may have only been a result of infertility treatment and not a result of "less stress" after an adoption. In addition, to say this is to elude in some way that the adopted child is less meaningful than the biological child. It says now that you've adopted you can have a child of your own, ... the truth is the adopted child is a child of our own. Thuy is our own child. We will love her, care for her, and worry about her everyday of her life and if this doesn't make her my own, then please tell me what does.

2. How much did your baby cost? Its so amazing we don't ask people's salaries, but we'll ask perfect strangers about the cost of an adoption. Stop and ask if you're asking because you are truly interested of just nosy. Especially don't ask this in front of a child. Adoption does not mean paying for a baby, we pay for the process, the work done so we are able to adopt. More appropriately stated would be, "is adoption very expensive?" if you are truly interested in financing an adoption. And let's remember it costs everyone to bring a baby into their home, whether you deliver at a hospital or at home with a mid-wife. Although insurance does cover it, it is not free. A good answer to someone who may just be rudely asking and not truly interested would be, "An adoption is no more expensive than biologically having a child."

3. Natural or Real parents? In adoption circles, the term for the parents who gave birth to the child are known as birth mother or father, or biological parents. If the woman who gave birth to Thuy is her "natural mother," then who would I be, "unnatural?" The real parent is the one who cares for or nurtures the child. Please use the words birth or biological. And you can use the term adoptive parents for the adopting couple. If someone says to you, " Amanda is not Thuy's real mother", you can reply, "Amanda did not give birth to Thuy, but the woman who raises Thuy is Thuy's real mother." We may have Thuy just refer to her birth mother by her birth mother's name, we are still thinking about it, so that when she is little she doesn't get confused by all these uses of the word "mother."

4. When will we tell Thuy she is adopted? In adoption circles today it is believed there should never be a time when a child didn't know they were adopted. We'll start by telling stories of us going to VN to bring her home, how happy we were when we adopted her, etc. It is important how you explain this to your kids who may have adopted friends so that they understand adoption in a positive way. Children's perceptions on issues begins with their parents view points. Thuy will start saying she is adopted long before she truly understands the word itself.

5. Will Thuy be my real granddaughter or real cousin? Yes, of course! Blood and DNA is not required for someone to be your family, look at married couples, or in laws, we love them and we are not related to them biologically. Blood and DNA do not guarantee great relationships, love does.

6. Never introduce her as, "This is the Moore's adopted daughter, Thuy." First of all, would you ever say "this is my biological child, Mary," ... certainly not! There is no need to point out to everyone you are introducing the family to that the child is adopted. Kids do not want to be singled out, they want to be like everyone else, and always telling everyone they are adopted makes them feel very different from the other children in the family. The adopted child is no more special than the biological child, it is just two different ways to have a family.

Cherry's on the pocket

We talked to our agency on Friday and were very disappointed to hear we would not expect to be traveling until the 3rd or 4th week in May at the earliest. So there goes our hopes for late April or early May. This part of the adoption process is so hard. Just trying to go about your everyday life, business as usual, just waiting for a phone call that will change it all and take us to our baby.

But we did get some new photos of Thuy which is always so wonderful. It definitely helps fill the time when I have new pictures to analyze and drool over. But I feel this set of pictures are particularly exciting. See how in the pictures you see an red/white infant outfit with a little cherry on the pocket lying on the bed? Then you see me packing up the cherry outfit to mail to VN, as you can see toys are included. Now look at the pictures of Thuy, recognize the outfit? See the same toys lying on her right? I can't even begin to tell you how it thrills my soul to see Thuy wearing something I bought, touched, and sent to her!

I could shout from the rooftops! It makes it all seem so real, like this will actually happen eventually, if only i can find the patience. I know we still can't show her face on the blog. But in some of my earlier photos she seemed a little fussy and uncomfortable, but here she seems very relaxed in the photos, I think she's very relaxed in the cool duds her Mom sent her. She's a little fashionista already! Can you see the gymboree tag just behind her head? I just love it, can you tell how excited I am for her to be wearing this outfit! Maybe this will give me enough to be excited about for at least a week before my anxiety starts building again about when we will travel.

Our Precious Baby Thuy

Where is the rest of Thuy you may ask? Although many adoptive families post pictures of their babies on web pages and blogs, it is our understanding that we shouldn't until we have legal responsibility for her. We have emailed our family and friends pictures of her privately.

Aloha From The Moore's

Aloha,

We are Bill & Amanda and we live in Hawaii. We started this blog to chronicle our journey to Vietnam to adopt our child. We are adopting a girl, her Vietnamese name is Thuy. Thuy is currently in an orphanage in Lang Son Vietnam. Lang Son is a province in Northern Vietnam on the border of China. Our precious baby girl was born January 20, 2007.

We enjoyed so much reading the blogs of those who traveled before us that we wanted to do the same. It is such a wonderful way for your family and friends to be part of such a special and momentous occasion in your life and for others who are about to make that same journey to learn and travel along with us.

We took this picture in Waikiki (which we never visit unless we have guests). We are standing in front of the famous Duke statue. Duke Paoa Kahanamoku is considered the father of modern surfing as well as an Ambassador of Aloha. His back is to the ocean as he faces Waikiki, which is quite controversial here in Hawaii. Everybody knows you should never turn your back on the ocean.